And then it was a Friday. However, you may have thought it was Friday the 13th, on the night of Halloween with the sounds of screaming and crying in the background of a phone call I had made, but no it was just the opposite. It was a beautiful Fall like Friday and another day I’ll never forget. The sounds were coming from a woman who was getting her head shaved. That woman being my mother, after going through her first round of chemotherapy. The strongest poison that settled through her veins was now starting to show the side effects.
Anticipating the drive to my parents home, I couldn’t help but think of how beautiful she must look. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go when I arrived. I could either see her sitting there awaiting my arrival or anticipating her sobbing in the bathroom. The pain I’m feeling for my mother, really makes for a heavy heart throughout the day and thoughts of shaving my own head as Cameron Diaz once did in a cancer movie, so we both could go through this together, but in my mother’s words she spoke to me: “don’t you dare, do anything stupid”. So what could I possibly tell her that would make her feel better about this situation.
“You’re not fighting for your hair. If you were it would be a different story”. – CTCA
I couldn’t help but repeat that over and over on my drive home, but telling that to someone who just freshly shaved their head, wasnt going to buy that – so I thought about other words to encourage her by, but by then the time I thought of something to say, I was at the door and the moment was surreal! Even more surreal walking up to the doorstep and seeing my mothers hair scattered in the grass.
Ok, deep breath Kacie
As I thought, she was in her bathroom facing the mirror combing her wig.
Then she took it off.
Crying as she broke into the words of
“now I really do look like a person with cancer”
But to me, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was like I was looking at a precious little girl, who was adorably filled with cuteness. I felt my eyes water, but it was happy that overflowed into me. For some reason I was excited to see her. As she walked out, I obviously had to pull myself together because this was the first time out of all my years with her, to see my mom truly fighting and battling through life, but looking at her at this moment was showing me it’s all part of the process of encouraging her to stay strong.
Respectfully my mom doesn’t want any pictures of her at this time but I would like to end this blog post with a letter to her at she can look back on and read when she is ready.
I understand losing your hair is brutal. It forces you out of your comfort zone on the fact that your hair has always surrounded your face. It gives you a feeling of being off balance, but please try to focus on the essential things like – It’s not the hair, it’s your heart. It’s not going outside and letting your hair whip in the wind. It’s the lungs that breathe in the wind. It’s not letting your hair surround your eyes. It’s your eyes that see the surroundings of life and sharing this journey together that matters with people who all love you unconditionally. These are the moments I dream about looking back on later on in life. Not all the different hair cuts, styles and boxes of color you have surprised us with over the years. It’s the genuine moments of laughing at the bad haircuts, being caught with your hair up while you’re working out in your flower beds and all those days of saying ‘I can’t wait till my hair grows out again’. So what’s one more wait of us sitting together while you’re under the shampoo bowl, instead of thinking it’s your hair washing down the drain, think of it as the chemo washing the cancer down the drain and kicking cancers *SS!!!
P.S. – kudos to you mom for being so strong and looking so beautiful, even though you only see black and white right now, you’re soon going to see beautiful, sunny days ahead.