I decided to make this more about myself tonight then my mom and our journey together. I think I hit everything I’m feeling on trying to keep strong and carrying on when you feel your lowest.
“The sea’s only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that, that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.” – Primo Levi
I really don’t have words that make sense right now, on how much these last few weeks with my parents means to me.
My family has never travelled far and knowing how truly lucky I am to have seen and experienced so much, is really worth hanging on to every second to reflect on and yes I do mean all the heartache that has come with it. I’ve always been the quiet, shy type. I’ve also considered myself a loner in life. There have been times where I’ve cried myself to sleep on many occasions and times I’ve really come to appreciate the stillness and the beauty of peace, during depression and loneliness. When you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s easy to get down and stay that way. Unfortunately it hasn’t been only with my moms cancer, it’s been accumulating over years. I’ve always pushed it away in hopes that it would get better. Not every moment I have had been sun shining and without problems – I’d like to say I’m going to change that and do my best to remember the great things, but I don’t think that will be happening any time soon and if not I’m going to keep trying, because one Hail Mary will lead to, two Hail Marys and so on and so on…
The only thing that is keeping my head above water through my sins and struggles is my faith.
Cheesy I know.
But the more I thirst for the Lord, the more I’m finding myself praying more and more each day. For my family, my mom, (no doubt) but more than ever for – my own soul.
I wanted to share one of the books I’ve been reading and also, a few quotes out of the book on the blog today. “The Secret of The Holy Rosary” now I won’t give away all the ‘secrets’ of the Rosary but if you have an open mind or want to learn more about the crown of roses, I encourage you to read this short book about the Rosary, the history and all that it has to offer to you.
- The Red Rose –
Poor men and women who are sinners, I, a greatest sinner than you, wish to give you this rose, a crimson one, because the precious blood of our Lord has fallen upon it. Please God that it may bring true fragrance into your lives – but above all, may it save you from the danger that you are in. Every day unbelievers and unrepentant sinners cry, “let us crown ourselves with roses”. But our cry should be, “Let us crown ourselves with the roses of the holy Rosary.”
- but if our roses have throns, they are the throns of Jesus Christ, who changes them into roses. If our roses prick us, it is only for a short time, and only in order to cure the illness of sin and to save our souls.
During the hardest times of life, I hope you all think of others and not judge one another, I hope you all get the love and peace you deserve and I hope you all find comfort in loneliness because even if your alone at times know that your savior is with you.
“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10