The Air I Breathe

The Air I Breathe

In honor of my birthday weekend coming up, I feel the need to make my wish as early as possible …

A good friend of mine once said when someone passes away you should celebrate them in spirit and that you should live through the memories you made with them. Which is to be true however, since my mom has been diagnosed with cancer I feel her spirit is in me now. Even-more-so over this past weekend as the crisp cool air hit me. I found myself sitting on a park bench crying as the Fall like weather is creeping up on us. Instant flash backs of my mom trick or treating with her grandson. Those memories led to the holidays stumbling upon us. Which then led to Mother’s Day. And then, which led back to my birthday one week away. As the tears came down that – then led me to getting angry and wishing for hot summer days everyday for the rest of my life, so I would never have to decorate or feel the cool breeze again.

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The thought of not having my mom…Man. How do people deal with the separation?!

Every night in Georgia that I was with my parents I would lay in bed with my mom until her pain medicine put her to sleep. Then I would hop on over with my dad and talk to him.

1. I was so afraid to bump her during the night

and

2. I was scared to be the one to find her if she didn’t wake up.

(Crazy thoughts at times, I know! But that’s the life of a worrier)

One night my mom and I teamed up on my dad about something that was extremely hilarious and she couldn’t stop laughing. (It was one of those laughing spells where you had to take a timeout to use the bathroom) toward the end of laughter, she started crying just as hard as she was laughing. I said: “mom what’s wrong, you ok”

as she was crying: “I didn’t think I would laugh like this again”.

I understood her pain. That’s exactly how I feel if I have life without my mom. The taste of Fall coming is like instantly being a child throwing a tantrum. Or how my son felt over being the only one in his class that didn’t have a grandparent there to support him on this years Grandparents Day. Or how my dad and I needed to get out for the day while my mom rested. As we were trying to walk around he said: “Kacie, I wish I was the one laid up in that bed, so you could have your mother walking around with you” “I’m ready to go, not see her leave us”

“I’m not ready for anyone to leave me and Cameron, dad”

This is real life that we never thought we would be faced with at such a young age. All of us. We are all carrying around someone else’s pain that we love. When they hurt, we hurt 10xs worse.

Whatever the season, whatever the days, wherever you are, I’ll never stop thinking of the times we shared together. That is truly the hardest parts of this journey with cancer. It steals your time and puts the fear of your separation in your every thought, through the air I breathe, every second.

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Once you are faced with this kind of news, you will never be the same. There is nothing that anyone can say or do. There is nothing you can watch on TV or anything to get your mind off of your love one. I don’t even think time can heal you from the pain. To me you will always be empty, you’ll never be the same. You know I use to think man, how long am I going to have to see my mom again. Another 60 years until I die, I don’t want to feel her through the air or when the wind blows or walking around in her flowers to think of her. I want her with me, I want to touch her and call her 76 times a day to talk about nothing just to know I have that security of knowing she is ok because I truly don’t want to walk around with a wet wash rag for the rest of my life to dry the tears of losing someone I love, (fun fact: my mom sent me to kindergarten with a wet rag in a ziplock bag when I was little because I didn’t want to leave her – through this journey I now have a wet wash rag that has been with me since she had waiting for me the morning she came with the news: they found a …) I wanna be the one that goes first.

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So If I could make a birthday wish this year and forever more it would be … I don’t care what my gifts are. I don’t care if it’s air alone, I don’t care if it is Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap – just as long as it comes from my mom. Or even if she wrapped herself up and hollered “surprise”… I’ll take that every birthday I have.

woo … Can someone mail me a tissue now? I’ll take that too!

Xoxo Kacie

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