I was going to write about another guest appearance on the Fox 29 Morning Show for a little birthday post, but an unexpected trip to the ER left my mother in the hospital for an overnight stay. It was a scary morning needless to say. A phone call at 3:00am is never a good call, because I knew my parents wasn’t calling me to wish me a happy birthday at the wee hours of the morning.
Well, it’s my birthday. I feel different. I can’t explain it, but I’m different. I can feel it within the depths of my soul. I’m not the girl who once obsessed over hair and makeup like I did in my twenties, and unfortunately, I’m not the girl that is embracing her thirties, or aging gracefully. I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of understanding death, finding myself, and devoting my life to finding God’s purpose for me.
When I started blogging, I knew I wanted to make some sort of difference, but knowing how to do that through today’s blogging world is a completely different story. I know our cancer journey has set my blog aside from the rest and I will forever be grateful of the success it has given me, but I’m finding myself in a major slump where it doesn’t feel cool anymore. I’m not a makeup guru. Although, I stay up-to-date with the latest products, I can go days, or even weeks without wearing a stitch of makeup. I’m not a fashionista. Although I know the odds and ends of fashion and can slap on a pair of heels in a minute, I’m not someone that shares a hashtag #ootd every post. And most importantly, I don’t want my entire journaling life to be about cancer and how it has left me with an empty space in my heart. So, where does that leave me? How does a blogger like me actually make a difference? The number one lesson I have learned is to never stop trying to find who YOU are. Don’t allow anything in your life to justify who you are either. “Jesus doesn’t see a body, he sees a soul”.
This next year I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I will understand death, I don’t know if I will find who I am, and maybe, I won’t understand what my purpose is, but I do know I’m going to try until I can’t try anymore. I know that I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to describe every moment, whether it’s through cancer, fashion, or faith. All of these things are chapters in my story.
All pictures by:
***special thanks to:
Ovarian Cancer Specialist: