I grew up laughing, joking, and giggling on most days with my parents. Life was good.
Fast forward 32 years later …. Every morning I wake up, fix the cup of coffee, pour in the cream, and add the sugar. This is about the extent I care to “adult” now a day. You see, I didn’t realize how badly I have lost interest in myself. I no longer care to giggle, to laugh, and to joke. I have lost interest in my personal appearance, and have moved past the (hashtag) #selfies, from what a typical girl my age would do.
I have however, dedicated myself to memorizing the names of the different anti-depressants and chemotherapy drugs. Because of this, it has completely changed my perspective on life.
I stare at my mother, alongside my dad. Mostly the days are silent now. Quietly watching T.V. or nibbling on the half-eaten box of Popeyes chicken. We chat and talk about what their grandson is up to, but deep in the back of our minds, we know the worst is yet to come.
You see people say, “Kacie she is going to beat this” but the truth of the matter is and what you don’t understand is that there is no beating this. The chemotherapy is only buying us time. Time. mmm. Fast, yet slowly going through the motions of saying good-byes. People say, “get out and do something” but the truth of the matter is and what you don’t understand is that the thoughts don’t just “go away” when you “get out and do something”. Yes, going to the mall helps but at the same time, try passing through a pretty dress, a silk nightgown, and think, “what am I going to burry my mother in”. All of the thoughts hunt me day in and day out. This has now turned into an unfathomable source of pain.
My therapist tells me, it’s a way my body is trying to prepare myself for the unthinkable. I do agree with this. However, when I’m in silence looking at the other two people who are as exhausted, run-down, and emotionally-drained as me – I tell them I will never be the same…never again.
And for this reason I have died at 30 years old.
Her cancer has changed every course of my life. How I walk around, how I feel about relationships, and even how I feel about love. Especially LOVE. Trauma that led me into PTSD of knowing we are doing everything and anything to save her life has killed my soul one trip to Georgia at a time deteriorating before my eyes.
You see, now I’m living through the moments of everything she is telling me. “You have been the best daughter.” Or when she tells me, “you are too good of a person to go through something like this.” Or when she tells me, “I don’t know what to tell you, because I won’t be able to comfort you when I’m gone.”
I grieve for her every day. There lives inside of me a broken heart that will never fully be healed. I will say this, that grief has taught me how to listen more. In my post-cancer days, I would “hear” but now I listen. I want people to know how important your happiness is. You deserve the happiness that you see in the movies and if you wonder if it really does true happiness exist. It does. My true happiness has been taken away from me, but Ive experienced it through my mom as a child. I want my friends and family to know that you deserve that love. And I hope that it doesn’t get taken away from you.
Everyone has pain. Everyone has scars and wounds. I may be miserable with grief, but I have to remember the love my mom has shown me and to keep my smile. I hope throughout my lifetime I can show at least one other human the love my mom has shown me. I know from first-hand experience what true laughter and happiness was like as a child, and sometimes that makes all the difference in a time of grief. Your happiness can make grief more bearable so don’t forget to smile. Even in the hardships.
Thanks for reading,